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[02 Feb 2010|07:00am]
how can i be with someone when i reach out each and everytime and ask for help and i get rejected, made fun of, and told i am being stupid. well yes, i am a kleptomaniac due to the fact that i've been trying to fill this void of emptiness and not being connected with his soul. i told him yesterday and all i got in return, 'why would you do that? you're pregnant! you want to have a baby in jail?' i just cried and cried and said i did not care anymore, which is true. i have no fear of authority. it had gotten to the point where snatching a stupid worthless lip gloss or a shirt from a store was second hand each time i went shopping. that's when i knew i had to tell someone. so i went and turn to the father of this unborn child, my lover, and what have you. every single fucking time i try to open up to him, it's like he says the meanest things to me even if it's intentionally or not. you don't talk down to someone and say they're acting stupid when they already said they are and is ashame for themselves. you would think the one person that supposedly says he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, would find some type of compassion and try to understand what's going on and not bash your feelings against the metal wall. this is why i can't go on. it's not going to be good for the baby or myself. me getting stressed out and upset over a person. yeah he didn't do anything. he's right. that's the problem right there. he's never did anything to help but himself. so what if i'm a ball of emotions, he signed on for the job to be my other half. i told him i'm not always the bright and shining person i am. i wear a mask just like everyone else to live this world. the wanna be act so touch kind of persons are the weakest ones of them all. it's a proven fact. since i can't take my diazepam it's been a crazier roller coaster and he can't just be there for me. so what's the point to further on hurt my baby and myself because some stupid man is not willing to help.
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[17 Jan 2010|11:51am]
It is true...you become like the person you date and fall in love with..but I hate how the person I used to love is no longer the same man now. I told him everything and walked away. He continues to say he'll change but in truth he'll never change because he's to stuck on his past and his feelings and past experience is all that matters. so he now knows I'm not a liar, but it's kind of too late. If only I had the support I needed from him 6 months...waited 6 months. Then again I waited 4 and a half years to be with him. This is what came out of it....an embryo and lots of heartache. If he really mean what he said, then there's got to be a lot coming from his part cause I'm through doing all the leg work. It's time for ME to kick my feet up and chillax.
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[13 Jan 2010|08:44pm]
Today I wanted to jump the gun and see if I could beat the train. Almost tried but nothing happened. A lot of these weird thoughts been going through my head lately. It's like old jac is back. Dare devil. No shame. No fear. No soul....I'm scared.
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[11 Jan 2010|09:19pm]
I haven't been poor in awhile. This year needs to be nothing but saving. Except this past week. Went on kind of a spending spree to fill the void of emptiness inside. I feel like I'm out of touch with the world and my purpose in life doesn't exist anymore. Doc put me back on diazepam and I have IBS again. It's a pain. On top of that I have this awful cold. Slowly but surely I'm getting rid of stuff.
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[31 Dec 2009|08:51pm]
We broke up officially. He said I made him not need me anymore. If that's what he wants to tell himself that then ok. I tried my best to show him my love and affections physically, mentally, and spritiually. But I didn't feel the same and was waiting for the day I felt mentally and spirtiually but it never came. This is an end to a chapter of my life that I did hold onto dearly. We've been close good friends for 4 years prior to us getting together. There was always an attraction back then. But once it happened it felt like a total different person came out of him. A more self involved kind of person. I was indeed happy once. But I think this has sunk my ship and hit the bottom of the ocean for good. I don't want it that way but there seems to be no other choice. He's just too stubborn and too hard-headed to realize that I did everything to try and make him happy and all I asked was to throw me a scrap of emotion besides physical affections but nope can't do it. Gotta love him for what and who is and that is it. Well newsflash you don't just demand to love you for everything who you are...that's worshipping someone and that's not what I do. There needs to be both ways and compromising from both, not just from one.
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[30 Dec 2009|04:53am]
So today I stood up for myself after a whole year of trying to see where things will lead me with boof. He always says I need to be more open and not bottle things up. Well in my opinion this month, december....how I would wrap this year up, I believe I was pretty strong at talking my opinion and stating what I need and want. Yet still felt like and is in fact the opposite because of him and how he reacts to my thoughts and feelings. I always got the short end. I was always accuded of being ridiculous and being unreasonable. Hmmm I had no reason to be irrational? I beg to differ...and I pretty sure all girls would feel the same, Not fillfuling her mans needs and desire. It kind of does beats one's self esteem to the groumnd. Tonight I told him what I need in a partner, a lover, a soulmate. Maybe he would see it differently, maybe still feel the same. I'm ridiculous and it's not my business. But yes, if you're in it for the long run then there is no personal business it would be the couple's business. How else would a couple jump the hurdles and not the gun. Don't you agree? Boof and I are on a stand still. I don't know if we are broken up or we're together or whatever. I mean I want it to work but it just seems like I'm always needing to hold my tongue and sit on my hands. One can only be patient for so long until they snap. I must say I've been very very patience. I told him how I feel about him not listening to me. This is what I meant by not considering my feelings. Love can't be bought with money. Love is bought by compassion and understanding and knowing what each other needs from one another. I told boof tonight to do what he want to do. So we'll see. If his resolution is no fighting...obviously he doesn't know what a true relationship is. All relationships has disagreements and arguments. It's because if there isn't it would be dull for both to agree on everything. But the fact in truth here...he can only put himself first and not others. He wants the world to know he's here and he has problems, but when it's my turn and I do make it obvious....he's too tired, he has to go to work, it's his day off, he needs to wake up early, he's eating.....he's just too busy not caring is what he makes himself come out to be. It makes me feel like anything and everything if it's not upbeat to keep his ego up it's not acceptable. Bad jacky bad. Go to your corner and think about what you did. So I normally just shut up but not anymore. I seem to attract the guys who seem to give up so easily whenever things don't go there way. I wish there were still a decent man who will work things out through thick and thin. I still haven't found my peanut butter to fit my jelly. If he wants this to work then he needs to realize it's not just his life and time in this. It's mine too. I have feelings and opinions...actually lots of them. If it just keep getting shut down and ignored, of course it'll come bursting all out at once....until next time my pets. Until next time.
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[29 Dec 2009|12:16am]
Yup....what I was afraid of the most is finally here. I'm stuck in a rut.
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[26 Dec 2009|07:58am]
It's still a rollar coster and it's getting quite scary. Cause I don't know my feelings anymore. Is this what they call crazy? Probably. Since I get compared to exes so much....dustin was never this mean to me. At least dustin could feel what I felt for him and yeah, he was young maybe that's why he did what he did. All men are the same wanting to keep their options open. This is why I think I'm dating in the wrong era. I should be dating back in the time where flappers and mafias were around. But then again, all generations and throughout mankind male species always repeats themselves. There are times I wish I wasn't gifted with this awful never forgetting but forgiving way of mine. At times it gets me nowhere and in a whole lot of troubles. Ryan S., even though we had our fights and lots of breakups he never strayed until I was gone. And Jeff, now that is truly the person that I go on and on how he was the perfect man even with his imperfect ways. He knew I would always be there. When we fought I wasn't the one doing the chasing. He wouldn't take no for an answer from anyone when it involved pleasing me. He was going to be a great lawyer one day. Jeff knew how I truly function and how we both mashed and how we could get through stuff. I remember the times we used to fight and he would just sit there and not say a word unless I asked a question and when I became silent for a few moment, he'd asked in a cute way if I was done. Ryan N., was the worse of worse....he's the reason why I am the way I am mainly. I just remember him cheating on me with his so-called friend from work. Which was true a coworker. But after awhile he constantly bought me stuff and I couldn't understand. He would tell me same exact things as current boof is. Because he wants me to have nice things. This is just a few variables I keep in mind.
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[22 Nov 2009|06:16pm]
I've come to put this to private friends only due to certain things that has happened.

Sometimes I feel like Jimmy is causing problems in our relationship because he wants a challenge or challenge this relationship to see how far he can go. Maybe it's me. I don't know. I've never had this much issues with my other exes. Sometimes it would be nice if we didn't have to fight so much and he actually understand.
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[19 Nov 2009|12:19am]
Day 2
5 to a heartache. At work I could feel tachycardia all day. I had bad on and off pain in my chest. It was hard for me to breath at times. I guess wisdom does and will always transcends all suffering. It makes your eyes wider and brighter. I just wish would shine a light on me and warm me back up again. My mom sees it. My brother sees it. And now my dad sees it. It's so hard to fake it at work. Came so close to ask milly for time off because nothing came out right today....
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[23 Oct 2009|09:36am]
I'm getting sick and I now need someone to take care of me...mommy is working too much.

I miss those days where I was surprised by life and friends.
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[08 Oct 2009|07:00am]
Money has never been this tight for me in so long....I disappointed myself this year financially. Right now I'm trying my best to only spend money for gasoline and all else is to be put aside even christmas presents.

There's so many wants but not needed. Greed is getting the best of me. I suppose there's still time to change before the year is over.

Work is very draining when you have to train someone who isn't ready to learn. I guess this is why they put it on me...or is it because I'm creative with shooting xrays within 15 minute?

Boof and I have been up and down lately and recent fought due to me needing to explode to get heard. This isn't the way things should be. I guess lyia and I are a lot alike even though she's from middle east, she's the one person who understands the culture shock. I know my good and bad traits. This is just a big leap for me since I haven't dated for 3 years. I need to live by the code again....
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[01 Oct 2009|08:31pm]
I just had spaghetti! Mmm spaghetti.
I really don't appreciate people saying they do one thing and don't do it. But tries to cover it up after a month passes....
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[24 Sep 2009|10:03pm]
Sometimes I just feel like I live in my own little world in my own little time frame. Sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously or too serious when I joke. Sometimes I feel like no one understands me at all. Sometimes I feel alone in a crowded room...

Oh and work is fucking ridiculoius. Fuck people messing everything up and having me to come back on my days off to a chaos. Fuck lab papers and writing corrective actions for mistakes people make. This should not be my punishment for being a perfectionist.
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[08 Sep 2009|10:01am]
Friday I saw DEPECHE MODE in Tampa Ford Amp. It was amazing. Bought a shirt and a hat. Jimmy had bought us tickets that were 4 rows back from the stage. It was the best time of my life. After the show, we were stuck in the aftermath god awful traffic so I decided since we were already in Tampa...we might as well stop in at Hard Rock. Since I didn't bring any cash and didn't feel like paying the double charge amount, I just watch boof take out 100 dollars and played 25 dollar blackjack. He won 400+.

Saturday I tagged along with boof to do his job like I normally do when I'm off. I ended up seeing Pikachu in the crane game and I wanted it badly. He took out his keys and got Pikachu out and handed him to me. It made me happy. We then ended up taking a nap together after hanging out with Brian at Cici's and Best Buy. Went to Ibar like usual.

Sunday went to citrus park and lakeside. In lakeside they have guitar hero arcade. The guitar is quite heavy and the strummer is very stiff. After following boof around for his job, we went back to Tampa for some more Hard Rock Casino. This time I wanted to play after learning more about blackjack....I'm tired of typing so maybe later.

I was watching Boof and Monty play the $10 table. I didn't think it was a good day to play cheap. After awhile B and I went to play some slots to see how was my luck. They didn't have my popcorn slot that I won 100 bucks at. We went to one that was similar. After losing half the money I stopped and collecting my ticket. These two guys were hoovering around us. Long story short....one of those guys stole and used my ticket to play. Afterwards they follow B and I back to the $10 blackjack tables. I decided since I was having a shitty day with driving, losing money, not having too much money to play in the first place....I wanted to see my luck at a $25 table. I was up by 175 dollars but one hand I placed $75 to see if I was gonna make it but didn't so I pulled out and was still up 100 bucks. I wanted to try my luck again at this one slot machine. I won $390. It made me really happy because I could use that for my car.

Basically this is the best weekend I had in awhile....
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[31 Aug 2009|06:52am]
Now I understand myself a little more. My defense mechnicism is quite strong in the beginning and if they can look and try past that I break free. It feels nice.
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[19 Aug 2009|04:21pm]
I wonder when I will feel it completely.
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[10 Aug 2009|09:40am]
I did what I needed to do. it doesn't hurt too much because he ended it long before when he lied to my face. It just sealed the deal when he said we were over last night over something stupid. Then he said he didn't mean it because he was upset. Well everytime he's mad, he'll always do that then. It's always been about him. Not me or not us...just him. He will never find true happiness until he stop lying to himself and to the ones he care about. I am not going to let someone string me alone. And he said I never gave him a shot with trust...I trusted him for the longest time and ignored this bullshit. But when a person compares you to a specific person it make you feel crappy and think that they are not truly over them and you come second to them. I have yet to compare him to dustin or jeff. I mean jeff....the one who died for me. Literally. If he truly truly cares or have somewhat love for me he would spare me the lies. There's just too much to do and too little time. For all that matters, I did love him and I showed it with stupid but meaningful things that I did..
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zombie is the new thing. well, it's always been my thing. [05 Aug 2009|08:02am]
Last night was the first time we ever talked about what was on my mind and how I feel without going on a random raging off topic argument. It felt really good to clear the air somewhat. He just has to see that everything is not always gonna peachy, but I'll try to make the best of us. I normaly make the best of any situation.

I wonder why I can't find my dvds and cds....wtf. I miss you.
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[04 Aug 2009|09:07am]
Looks like history is repeating itself....I hope he proves me wrong and shows he truly cares and not just be all talk. Romance.
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[24 Jul 2009|12:35am]
I love spending time with him...I just he feels the same way.
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[17 Jul 2009|01:31am]
I changed my perspective and am being very patient with him....and today he supposedly told her how it is between him and I. So we'll see. I honestly don't care if he hurts me as long as he stops lying to himself. It's all about weighing out the pros and cons. I don't want to put meaningless drama/things in his head, but sometimes a girl can only wait so long...maybe it'll turn out to be good? If not, oh well...I'll get over it.
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[13 Jul 2009|09:30pm]
Haven't update this thing in quite sometime and normally when I do it's all about complaints and negativity. Well here's a mixture of things...

Everyone seems to have their own things going on. it's sad that we don't get together often. though i am glad fabian and jorge are hosting the rock band/karaoke thing at gator's. seems that most of us go there to support them whenever we can.

Been hanging out with boof a lot. seems that he's getting closer to me and i am scared. i haven't let someone get this close in quite some time. I'm just worried that history repeats itself. someone ends up getting hurt really bad. I'm trying my hardest to stop this cycle of pushing people away.

Ryan has been very supportive of this June. He still keeps telling me how he's still in love with me. I honestly have no feelings for him for 2 years now and he knows. He said as long as I'm happy then he's happy.

This year's mourning was the hardest. Each day that I spent time with jimmy and brian it made me think of the good old days in Cali. I know that I shouldn't be living and wanting the past. I know it's not what they would have wanted from me. Til that day I'm still trying to be the best I can be. One day at a time....one day at a time. This year's brightest memory that kept me through this was the time where Jeff and Tracey taught me to pop wheelies when I was in the hospital. I remember Jiffy and I would also do "bumper wheelchairs". I can't believe the nurse let us get away with that. Still til this day whenever I mention his name out loud i get goosebumps and this feeling on the side of my forehead.

Work...been with this company for over a year now. I can honestly say, love what I'm doing. Don't appreciate the extra contracts Milly's taking up. I mean honestly, you can ask so much of us as a team....we aren't fucking superheroes. I understand you're trying to get our center some money, but let's not be greedy. everyone's leaving from my shift. it's just me and the doctor as the original team...Dr. Key said if I switch centers or quit, he's moving too. Back to work on Wednesday. thought it was tomorrow....ooops.

okay random thoughts shutting down.

Note to self: more living and less bitching.
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[13 May 2009|11:29am]
.....sounds weird but I think I really like jimmy.
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[29 Apr 2009|12:35pm]
i wish i was more consumed by work sometimes....work has been crazy lately because of the swine flu. i need to get all this shit sorted. lovedrug is what i listen to. alone these days.
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